First of all, I physically did not feel well. My youngest who was sick all week last week generously passed her germs on to me. She jumped out of bed fever free on Sunday ready to see her friends in Sunday School while I could barely lift my head off the pillow. Great. Just great.
Second, after missing 3 days of work last week to take care of my youngest (which I do not regret one iota), some serious stuff piled up on my desk. I had a list of immediate to-dos, paperwork, forms, no show reports etc. that without exception had to be completed first thing this morning. I also had 3 classes to teach...3 classes of students who haven't seen me in over a week. 3 classes of students who are understandably tired of showing up for class and finding a note on the door that says "Dr. Smith's classes are cancelled." They'd rather receive that kind of information before their alarm clocks go off.
All morning I kept asking my co-worker, neighbor and friend Missie, "Are you hot?" to which she repeatedly answered, "No, it's not hot in here; you have fever; you need a shot!" A shot! Where the heck did that come from?? Missie's a take the horse by the reins kinda girl...if you're sick, you get a shot...CHECK!...problem resolved. Me...not so much. Especially when we're talking about needles!
Around 1 p.m. I finally gave in and came home. I'm lucky to live only about 7-8 minutes from the community college where I work. That means a quick trip home for lunch is not out of the question...not that I ever take advantage of it...but it's there if I want. Today I did. I came home and started a pot roast for tonight's supper. After blowing my nose a gazillion times and coughing up my spleen, I took my temperature. Sure enough that bossy Missie was right. A stinkin' temperature! I don't have time for a temperature!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After I put the roast safely in the oven to slow cook over the next several hours, I choked down some Ibuprofen, popped another cough drop, grabbed my Vicks tissues and jumped in the car to go back to the office. Sick or not, I had left my window up...since I was hot and no one else was, I had lifted the window to get some fresh air. There was, of course, no one left in the office to close it for me so I headed that way.
I arrived at the office, pulled down the window, grabbed a textbook that I needed to finish a semester agenda, printed out a recipe, answered a quick email and left the office again. I swung by the post office; then, finally I headed to get the youngest from school. The youngest and I met the firstborn and middle child at home.
My middle child and youngest stayed home playing Wii while the firstborn and I set off for a doctor's appt. in a town 30 miles away. Not for me...for her. My beautiful talented firstborn somehow looks at herself and doesn't see what others see. She cut herself the first time in the 8th grade to ease the emotional pain of not measuring up. If she can't be perfect, she feels as if she's failed. We just found out about a year ago when the self harming behaviors became more noticeable and have had her in therapy ever since...We don't miss these doctor appts.
I'm crying now....so I'll need to save more of the firstborn's story in another blog...not sure why I felt led to share it here and now.
Her original appt. had been that morning, but I knew I didn't need to miss another class; my firstborn's doctor graciously let us shift the appt. to an afternoon slot that opened up. My firstborn was quiet on the trip up as well as back home. The appt. went well, but still I worried...I can't imagine where my firstborn gets her anxiety issues.
We walked back into the house and smelled that wonderful aroma that can only mean pot roast... then the firstborn and middle child left for show choir practice.
The ever courteous Head of the Household also sent a blackberry message that simply said, "bkb tonight." That's shorthand for, "There's a basketball game tonight at school so I won't be home for dinner." This message arrived at approximately 5:45 p.m. :(
I wanted to scream, "WHO THE HELL IS GOING TO EAT POT ROAST?????"
Please be sure to notice that I said I wanted to; I didn't say I did.
While my youngest daughter played Wii Fit, I made homemade mashed potatoes. By this point, I was damned and determined that SOMEBODY was going to have a good supper. I fixed myself and my youngest a plate. My youngest sat down at the kitchen bar with me and politely announced that she was not hungry.
My youngest daughter, who will be henceforth known as "I cannot tell a lie," then spilled the beans. While my firstborn and I were gone to the doctor, my youngest and her big sister, Miss Middle Child, had ordered a pizza from Dominos and had it delivered to our home!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because there was no sign of pizza anywhere, I made the correct assumption that they had eaten every single bite!
I didn't yell...I didn't slam the cabinet doors...I just kissed my youngest and told her I loved her.
Because I do.
I love them all.
I am blessed beyond measure.
I can't imagine my life any different...even though they wear me slap out sometimes.
I am reading a book by Joanna Weaver called Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World. I am learning to be still and wait for God.
I am learning to quit rushing around and trying to force everything to happen.
I am learning to leave the worry and anxiety to Him because He knows every hair on my head.
I am learning that I am not in control, and that actually feels good...to give it all back to Him.
I am learning that life is not perfect...because it's not meant to be. Life is busy. Life is inconvenient. And, sometimes we have bad days. For those days I remember a song by Amy Grant called Arms of Love:
Lord, I'm really glad you're here
I hope you feel the same when you see all my fears
And how I've failed
I fall sometimes
It's hard to walk on shifting sand
I miss the rock and find there's nowhere left to stand
I start to cry
I fall sometimes
I have found a place where I can hide
It's safe inside your arms of love
Like a child whose held throughout a storm
You keep me warm in your arms of love.
I have to believe that God has us all in his arms. It is the safest place I can imagine. I will continue to strive to be a Mary and be still. I want to see the squirrels, watch the sunset, spend time with my children, cook a pot roast...even if there's nobody home to eat it, and sit at the feet of my Savior.
Hold me in your arms today, Lord.