I've had a lot on my mind lately...which is why I haven't posted much personal "stuff."
I've started a couple of times to write about it here, but I really just don't have the words yet.
I've dealt with anxiety issues for a long time.
I haven't always handled it well, but sometimes I handle it really well.
I've been honest about them here, and I've been honest about how really down I was over the Christmas holidays after the shooting in Newtown, CT. Did the shooting of 20 innocent children and 7 adults make me depressed and anxious? No, but I think the tragedy and the enormity of it as well as society's response to it was the straw that broke the camel's back for me.
I was in a fog many days during the holidays.
I didn't really want to go anywhere or see anyone outside of my family.
I bought all Christmas presents online and read, read, read and read.
Once we returned to work, I was busier, and one of the best places for me is in the classroom with my students.
They are many times what pulls me forward. They challenge me.
They sit there, all 50 of them, looking at me, waiting on me to impart some knowledge upon them that is detrimental to their existence and future and for heaven's sake, to do it in a halfway entertaining way :)
I stay in my classroom until I'm done teaching for the day and then return to my office to eat a quick lunch at my desk and catch up on all that's been going on in the faculty world while I've escaped.
I take care of the attendance and other daily tasks we all have to attend to and I watch the clock until time to pick up my youngest.
I swoop through the pick-up line at the elementary school and am genuinely happy to see my girl's face...and she is happy to see me (unless of course, I'm the last person in line that day...then I'm in trouble.).
We pull into our driveway, and before we can get the door to the house unlocked, we hear our German Shepherd Layla pawing at the door.
She is beside herself that we have returned.
And, we are beside ourselves to have returned to her.
My girls slings her backpack onto the kitchen counter and begins rummaging for a snack while I take Layla out for a tinkle break.
When we re-enter the house, I am barely settled with my afternoon bowl of granola before Layla is sitting on the couch, looking at me expectantly.
"Let's go, Mom." "It's naptime." Those big brown eyes urge me to rest...and so I do.
Rest and routine are good for me...as has been running.
I'm beginning Week 4 of the C2K program and my oldest daughter and I will be running in the Color Run in Nashville, TN on March 30.
Right now I'm running 3 days a week for 30 minutes. I have been blown away at how absolutely wonderful running makes me feel.
Yes, my lungs burn and my thighs scream for mercy.
Yes, there are times when I think I'll just stay on the couch.
But, once I head for my running shoes and Layla realizes what's up, it's one of the most exhilarating things I've ever done.
Our girl joins us many days on her bike and cheers me on when I get really tired. She's also a big help if Layla gets distracted by the charging Chihuahua two streets over.
We return home, I hose Layla off and shower myself. Then, if I've remembered to load the crock-pot, we sit down to a home-cooked meal together. There's only 3 of us at home now, and with my husband's schedule, sometimes it's just the two of us.
But, that's ok too.
After we've fed the other animals, we try to make it to bed by 9 p.m. so we can read together. Sometimes we each read silently, sometimes we read aloud and sometimes the youngest plays a video game with earphones while I read.
Layla curls up at our feet because she knows the day is ending, and there's nowhere else she'd rather be.
I needed a nudge to write...to get some of this out of my head. Karen at This Old House 2 nudged me this afternoon with the following "I am poem"...thank-you, Karen :)
I am: a mom, a woman, a daughter, a wife, a teacher, a feminist, an animal lover, a writer
I think: ... way too much, way too deeply about way too many things
I know: ... a lot...but want to know more.
I want: everyone to be happy and healthy
I have: ..everything I need
I dislike: fake, dishonest people
I miss: some of the traditions of my childhood
I fear: not much really...but lately I've begun to truly feel fear about the direction in which our country is going
I feel: exasperated with all the bickering
I hear: .. the soft hum of the washing machine as it washes the 85th load of clothes
I smell: the Soft Scrub I just used to clean the bathroom...it gives me a headache but I love that clean, disinfected smell.
I crave: something sugary, doughy and chocolately
I search: for meaning and peace all around me
I wonder: if I'll ever find it...and if I'm really supposed to find it
I regret: not much...I try not to look back too much...nothing I can do about the past
I love: my husband...
I care: about too much...but I care anyway.
I am always: thinking
I worry: that's an understatement
I remember: what it was like to be 13
I sing: opera with my 8 year old...in the car...on the way to school :)
I argue: with my husband about gun control
I write: to save myself
I lose: my keyes in the bottom of my purse every. damn. day
I wish: my 18 year old self had known my 40 year old self
I listen: to all the sounds of nature
I don't understand: why everybody wants to rush around all the time
I can usually be found: on the couch, with my dog, or reading in my bed
I am scared: when a phone call happens in the middle of the night
I need: peace and quiet
I forget: what I went to the other side of the house for :(
I am happy: truly, truly happy