Monday, December 26, 2016

Tending


11:15 a.m. Monday, Dec. 26, 2016

I'm writing.
For 30 minutes.
Every day.
Y'all ready?

As much as I have loved Christmas, the peaceful, lighted, family at home, giving gifts, focusing on Jesus, I've had a hard couple of days as well.  
Two nights I've struggled to sleep.
Never in my entire life have I really struggled to sleep.  
I'm one of those people who can nap during the day (and I mean an hour at least) and then go to sleep at a normal time in the evening and sleep some more.

Normally a shot or two of tequila would take care of that just fine if and when it ever happened.
But, that's not an option anymore.
I choose for it not to be.

One thing that helps tremendously is the online communities I've not exactly joined...but am keeping an eye on just the same. 
At 3 a.m. this morning, as I scrolled through IG, I found several others who were struggling...not necessarily at the same time as me but posting about their struggles, the whys, the wherefores, and then other members of the community posted back in encouragement. 

My quiet husband, one incredible friend, and the online community that expects nothing from me in return have been my saving grace on many occasions. 

I have lots of goals for 2017, but I'm not going to stress myself out by trying to list them and check them off the list.  I will work through the goals as I can handle them. 

Today looks better.  I'm kindof off schedule just because I slept late since I didn't go to sleep till later, but that's ok too.

11:31 a.m. 
This is harder than I thought...:)  I have plenty to say...


11:41 a.m. 
Found picture of cat typing on the web...
See what I did there?  

The title of this post is tending bc one thing I'm going to try and do is "tend" to some things on a daily basis. 
I think that "tending" or having a live list of active things I can do will help me channel my energy to positive things rather than get bogged down in my brain and slip deeper and deeper into negative thoughts, anxious thoughts, and even the depression that has been finding me lately.

I truly believe one of the reasons I've been "feeling" so profoundly lately is because I no longer use a numbing medicine.
I feel it all.

In a weird way, alcohol is not necessarily my problem.
The depression and anxiety are.  The alcohol just exacerbated the problem.  
Just.
Alcohol so just exacerbated the problem that it also became a problem.  
So a domino effect I guess.

I have no idea.
I'm just typing.

11:48 a.m.

The alcohol made the feelings stop.
For a while.
But, truly, as packaged as it sounds, when the high of the alcohol wore off, those problems were still there...and it became apparent very quickly...that I was cultivating another problem on top of the already existing problem. 
Two very serious problems. 

Honestly, it's a wonder I'm still in one piece...and that I didn't lose a lot in the process.

Honestly.

I've read about so many women who've lost so much...are truly at a rock bottom that I cannot even fathom.
My own rock bottom was difficult enough...and still is. 
The guilt associated with how my drinking on an off for the last 10 years may have affected my daughters' lives is something I've got to come to terms with still.
Still.

Those relationships are still intact, but I wondered last night in all my late night pondering if it's time for me to let go a little more with the two oldest. 
They are young adults with their own dreams and plans...I need to let them live those dreams and plans a little more.
I have dreams and plans of my own, you see. 
And I need to quit worrying about how the past has affected them. 
 I can't do anything about that. 


Serenity.

12:00



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