Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Transformation, Truth, Post

I'm transforming, y'all.

I can feel it.

I'm coming out of a 7-10 day funk which pulls me down each month...or so.  

I say each month or so bc I'm 48...or will be tomorrow. 

While I've struggled my whole life with anxiety and depression (I didn't want to use the D word, but I'm owning it today since I'm telling the Truth), 5-7 days every few months it hits me hard...when I say hard, I mean like concrete blocks tied to my feet and sinking into the water hard.

See what I did there?
Scared ya a little, didn't I?
I scare myself sometimes too.

This depression is obviously related to hormones...obviously, right?
So, why didn't I talk to my ob-gyn about it on my last visit?

Notice how I didn't cap the letters on ob-gyn...that's on purpose.
My ob-gyn was all excited about me when he got to do surgery.
But, now I'm just an old woman, going through life changes that don't necessarily bring in any income for him. 
I'm not exciting.
I'm not pregnant...Praise God from Whom all Blessings Flow.
I don't have anything that needs to be taken out via surgery.
I'm not willing to go the route of a hysterectomy.
I'm just boring me.
You should see how quickly he dismisses me.

In his defense, he's a man.
He has no clue.
I also have no idea about the stressors in his own life...because you know, doctors are people too, right?

It's past time to switch doctors.
It's time to have that conversation.
Are my current meds working?
How do I ride out this very normal season of my life without digging a hole and climbing in?

One way I've fought for the last few months is through discipline and obedience.
I'm making time for quiet time in the mornings. Period. First thing.  Before anything else.
I'm drinking a delicious superfood smoothie everyday.  
I'm taking my vitamins...natural iron supplements so I can keep my eyes open all day long (except when I'm napping) and digestive health bc the iron sometimes upsets my tummy.
I'm exercising...I've cut my runs to 3 times per week after a hamstring scare.
I have to run the St. Jude's Marathon on Dec. 3...I don't have time for a hamstring mess up.
On non-run days, I do something else...I have a collection of 30 minute workouts that I choose from.  
I trick myself into doing these workouts by telling myself I'm helping my kid.  
Cool trick, right?  Because we moms will help everybody else before we help ourselves, right?

I'm leaving my office everyday asap.
My job is such that I don't have to sit in my office all day...I realize how lucky this is.
My job is toxic for me.  At best.  That isn't so lucky.  But, I do realize that I'm not the only one in the world who feels this way.
I've started my resume.
Yes, started.
Heavy sigh here.
This is the "jump" I referred to here.
It's almost as if I'm scared to put the finishing touches on it because then I have to send it somewhere.

I'm not spending everyday at the animal shelter.  That environment and some of the people involved had also become toxic for me...notice I said PEOPLE and not the ANIMALS.
That's a whole other post.

I'm spending more purposeful time with my family.
Whitney and I are trying to move some every a variety of ways. 
She's a little like her mama and needs to be entertained, so I'm doing my best here.
I'm enjoying the commute time with Reagan.  We talk, sing, carry on, act silly, "discuss" new cell phones...yeah...this kid, y'all, she needs to be a lawyer bc she can argue until you're just so exhausted with the conversation that you beg her to stop.
I'm making time to see Kendal each week...usually for snacks...or gas...or groceries...or whatever...
The husband still probably isn't getting the time he deserves...and I'm really just kindof realizing that as I type.  
This telling the truth stuff is really something.

I'm structuring my days more.  
I'm not using my planner and planning as playtime anymore...I'm using it purposefully...what MUST be done today, goals, time schedule...etc.
Calendaring is a work in progress for me.  I NEED structure...but I don't always like it.  

I still need a nap most days, but yesterday, I really felt as if I could take one or not. 
I took one.

We're eating cleaner...and limiting fast food.  
This is fun...and I find myself not wanting some of the mess we used to eat.  Just the other day I was on my way to Hattiesburg and needed something to eat...poor planning that day...I wheeled in and out of several places because I could not even FORCE what was served at a variety of establishments sound good to me...even though I was really really hungry. 

I usually keep peanut butter, bananas, and bread in my office for such occasions. 
Don't judge.

I'm blogging again.
But, that's ok because this space is mine.
All mine.
I'm even ok that my old followers have dropped off.
This isn't a book blog anymore.

I have 8 more minutes to type.  I've looked at the clock several times.
I'm just typing away.
What else is there to say?

I have enjoyed slowly adding back a few of the bloggers I felt I really got to know in the daily blogging season.  Many of them have shifted their blogs as well...if not left them quiet for a while.  
I don't know if they're coming back.

I'll tell you one person who makes me laugh almost every single day...and that's Jenny Larson. 
I read one of her books while waiting on Mom at the cancer clinic last summer...and I snorted out loud...surrounded by cancer patients.
I got a few not so nice glances during that phase...even from my mom at a certain point.
Can't you read something depressing while we're in this depressing place??
Can't we just be sad and depressed all the time?
Is that too much to ask?
For Larson, it is.
Larson's blog will go quiet sometimes, and it's usually when she's struggling.  
I get that.
It happens.
Even to those with bestselling books.
But, she always re-surfaces.
And makes me snort.
Don't go there if you are easily offended by language bc she's a doozy in that category...but she's just being honest.  She's just sharing Truth.  
Her Truth.
Don't we all have our own Truth?
And, aren't we entitled to own that Truth?

I am.
I know I am.

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