Monday, April 17, 2017

Still Here - 30 Minutes of Life - "Mom, I'm an Alcoholic."

10:20 a.m.
I'm not making any comments about how it's been over a month since my last post.

I keep playing with my background...the icy blue and silver cold background was fitting for Winter.
It's Spring today.
I say today because I live in Mississippi.  It may be Summer tomorrow...or it may be Winter again.
Who knows.

I figure I'll figure out when I figure it out.

I wish somehow in Blogger the backgrounds over the years could be saved.
I think in my case especially it would show the progression of my thought process....and who I am.

I told my mama the other day that I'm an alcoholic.
It was a bad day that day, and I ended up hysterical.
The only way I knew to make it stop where she was concerned was to just spit it out.
I'm 11 months sober.
And I just told my mama.

I told my middle daughter too.
We were walking and she was talking about some really emotional things in her life.
Some things she blamed herself for.
I think she looks at me as perfect.
I have no idea why.
She struggles thinking that there is something wrong with her.
So I told her.

My mom blames alcohol.
My daughter understands a little better that the problem isn't so much the alcohol.
It's the anxiety and depression.
She feels it too.

In my mom's defense, she grew up in a family that was destroyed by alcohol after her mother died.
I figure her father turned to alcohol to cope with his grief just like I turned to it for relief from uncontrollable anxiety.

10:28 a.m.
I still need to see a therapist.
That much was clear the day I lost it and yelled at my mom (via text) that I was an alcoholic.
I did go so far as to start seriously looking for one.
I also actually made a phone call...but the one I wanted to see is moving to Jackson...and the 2nd one on my list is not taking new patients right now.
I told my husband that apparently we are most definitely not the only people with issues.

10:31 a.m.
I'm loving my little ladies groups.
I started out thinking I would be a Fitness Coach.
You know, coach myself along with some other ladies to get in shape.
That quickly escalated into a place for a small group of ladies to meet and discuss life.
I'm sharing what I'm reading there.
Some of them are following along, and others are just reading what I write.
I've been very honest with them as well.
It's freeing in a way to tell my truth.
I am who I am.
I can't change that.
So why try to hide it.

10:33 a.m.
I woke up this morning looking for my laptop.
My youngest kid had stolen it in the night.
Thankfully we have today off though so I didn't have to head to work with an uncharged laptop.
I did notice, however, that she had been watching a Netflix show.
She watches re-runs of Friends all the time so I assumed that was what she was watching.
I realized quickly that she was watching a new series.
13 Reasons Why.
She made it up to episode 5 last night.
My oldest daughter read this book after it was published.  I've never been one for book censoring and still am not.

My youngest is not an avid reader, however, and has grown up watching.
A couple of young women that I enjoy following into adulthood posted on social media this am. some concerns about the tv show.  They have read the book and were worried that media may have turned the book into a somewhat graphic exploitation of very serious issues from the book.
That means I get to read the book today :(
That was not my plan for the day.

I was getting a little disappointed with myself because I can't seem to get my back and hips to understand that we have a marathon to run in 7 months.
And then, out of nowhere, I saw a post about Jeff Galloway.
Lots on social media right now about The Boston Marathon.
I remembered that I bought his book The Run/Walk Method and had at one time considered using his method as a training tool.
Then, I got embarrassed that I would be willingly committing to "walking" some.
A cop-out right?
Last night I dug and found the book and sat down with it.

I added up the weeks to see if I had time to make this work.
I think I do.
I'm excited again!

The husband and I are contemplating moving.
We have been contemplating moving for some months now.
You should see us try to agree on a house.
I like old.
He likes new.
I don't notice price at all.
He keeps a close eye on price and knows exactly how much money he is willing to spend.
I know our realtor would like to smack us.
I really couldn't blame her.
Then, there's the exhausting idea of selling the house we're living in now.
We've been here for 12 years so we have a lot of stuff.
Our older daughters are at that age where they have actually moved out and then back in again...and back out again.
I don't have any problems with that.
I like to think of home as a safe harbor.
**That analogy is not mine btw...a therapist from some time ago gave that to one of our daughters.
But, when they come back home, they bring not only the stuff they left with but more stuff.
And then they leave the stuff they left with and the more stuff the brought my house as they go back out into the world to gather even more stuff.
The Salvation Army people run when they see me coming these days.
When nobody's looking, I fill up boxes and take a haul or two.
So far nobody's noticed.
I'm also trying out Thred Up.
That's been interesting so far.

I've been a little worried about not wanting to read.
But, I've noticed lately some little sparks.
Summer is on its way so I'm holding tightly to those little sparks and will see where they lead me.

What I'm Reading before Bed - She Reads Truth/Myers & Williams

What I Want to Read Next before I go See the Movie - The Zookeeper's Wife

Next Movie I Want to See - The Case for Christ

Just realized there was a book before the movie.
Oh boy.

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