Friday, October 7, 2016

Still Haven't Jumped

I don't feel like writing this morning...I feel like sleeping.
I'm truly already looking forward to the nap I'm planning to take after work.

Today should be a fairly easy day. 
We will actually have office time today due to a math competition that is taking over our building.
My plan is to close my office door and work in peace and quiet.
I need to do lots of organizing, grading, and check things off my checklist.

We'll see how that goes.

I had a pretty intense conversation with Kendal yesterday. 
In a Runner's World interview that I listened to yesterday, Kristen Armstrong brought up a quote..."You are only as happy as your unhappiest kid."  Yikes.
Both my older girls are struggling some.  
This blog serves as my story and not theirs so I won't go into details here.  But, suffice to say, they have both graduated from college and are a little stalled in the adult world. 
"Am I an adult?"
"Am I a kid?"
"Look at those silly college freshmen!"
"Look at those old people."
"Where am I?"
"I want to be like the groups of young adults on Friends or How I Met Your Mother, or The Big Bang Theory."

By their age, I was married.
I had a college degree, full time job, and was an adult female, teacher, wife in pretty much all sense of the words.
But they are somewhere in between...and I'm struggling to help them take the next steps.
Whatever those steps may be.  

I see them spinning their wheels.
They are so hesitant to forge on. 
Neither is in a situation she wants to be in, yet neither can even imagine taking the first step to making change.

And, then it hit me.
Wonder where they get this hesitancy from?
Oh boy.

I still haven't jumped.
I want my decision to be a perfect one.
I want a guarantee.
I want to be able to change my mind and come back to this comfortable spot if things don't work out better.
I like my comfortable spot.
But I really don't.
It's just safe.
But, not really.

Why am I still waiting?
Why are they still waiting?

Stepping out is scary.
Very scary.

I'm gonna need another cup of coffee.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Happy Birthday to Me...Selfie Style

I posted this selfie on Instagram last night as a part of an online wellness accountability group I'm loving!

Before I posted, y'all don't know how I anguished over this photo...which photo to use...from the video I shot during the last 5 minutes of my yoga session.
Do I look fat?
Do I look old?
Will I embarrass my daughters?
What will people think?
Will people think I've gone kooky?
Will people try to figure out what's wrong with me all of a sudden?

I spent more time contemplating this one post than I did with the actual post. 

After I posted, guess what I did. 
I came back several times to see who liked it.
"Several times" is an understatement. 

In this Truth Telling and Posting season I'm in, I'm not supposed to care about who "likes" my posts.

Why is it easier to write anonymously than for all the world to see...
well, not all the world...but you know...

I couldn't share this post on FB.  I just couldn't.  
Instagram is public...but not as public as FB...yikes.

I contemplated sharing it on FB this morning...but I couldn't.  
I'm going to think about this all day.  
Analyzing the analysis of the analysis...that's me.
While it is what it is and I surely need some work...the constant analysis is a part of me.
Who I am.
I'm not going to apologize for it anymore.

Happy 48th Birthday to me!

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Transformation, Truth, Post

I'm transforming, y'all.

I can feel it.

I'm coming out of a 7-10 day funk which pulls me down each month...or so.  

I say each month or so bc I'm 48...or will be tomorrow. 

While I've struggled my whole life with anxiety and depression (I didn't want to use the D word, but I'm owning it today since I'm telling the Truth), 5-7 days every few months it hits me hard...when I say hard, I mean like concrete blocks tied to my feet and sinking into the water hard.

See what I did there?
Scared ya a little, didn't I?
I scare myself sometimes too.

This depression is obviously related to hormones...obviously, right?
So, why didn't I talk to my ob-gyn about it on my last visit?

Notice how I didn't cap the letters on ob-gyn...that's on purpose.
My ob-gyn was all excited about me when he got to do surgery.
But, now I'm just an old woman, going through life changes that don't necessarily bring in any income for him. 
I'm not exciting.
I'm not pregnant...Praise God from Whom all Blessings Flow.
I don't have anything that needs to be taken out via surgery.
I'm not willing to go the route of a hysterectomy.
I'm just boring me.
You should see how quickly he dismisses me.

In his defense, he's a man.
He has no clue.
I also have no idea about the stressors in his own life...because you know, doctors are people too, right?

It's past time to switch doctors.
It's time to have that conversation.
Are my current meds working?
How do I ride out this very normal season of my life without digging a hole and climbing in?

One way I've fought for the last few months is through discipline and obedience.
I'm making time for quiet time in the mornings. Period. First thing.  Before anything else.
I'm drinking a delicious superfood smoothie everyday.  
I'm taking my vitamins...natural iron supplements so I can keep my eyes open all day long (except when I'm napping) and digestive health bc the iron sometimes upsets my tummy.
I'm exercising...I've cut my runs to 3 times per week after a hamstring scare.
I have to run the St. Jude's Marathon on Dec. 3...I don't have time for a hamstring mess up.
On non-run days, I do something else...I have a collection of 30 minute workouts that I choose from.  
I trick myself into doing these workouts by telling myself I'm helping my kid.  
Cool trick, right?  Because we moms will help everybody else before we help ourselves, right?

I'm leaving my office everyday asap.
My job is such that I don't have to sit in my office all day...I realize how lucky this is.
My job is toxic for me.  At best.  That isn't so lucky.  But, I do realize that I'm not the only one in the world who feels this way.
I've started my resume.
Yes, started.
Heavy sigh here.
This is the "jump" I referred to here.
It's almost as if I'm scared to put the finishing touches on it because then I have to send it somewhere.

I'm not spending everyday at the animal shelter.  That environment and some of the people involved had also become toxic for me...notice I said PEOPLE and not the ANIMALS.
That's a whole other post.

I'm spending more purposeful time with my family.
Whitney and I are trying to move some every a variety of ways. 
She's a little like her mama and needs to be entertained, so I'm doing my best here.
I'm enjoying the commute time with Reagan.  We talk, sing, carry on, act silly, "discuss" new cell phones...yeah...this kid, y'all, she needs to be a lawyer bc she can argue until you're just so exhausted with the conversation that you beg her to stop.
I'm making time to see Kendal each week...usually for snacks...or gas...or groceries...or whatever...
The husband still probably isn't getting the time he deserves...and I'm really just kindof realizing that as I type.  
This telling the truth stuff is really something.

I'm structuring my days more.  
I'm not using my planner and planning as playtime anymore...I'm using it purposefully...what MUST be done today, goals, time schedule...etc.
Calendaring is a work in progress for me.  I NEED structure...but I don't always like it.  

I still need a nap most days, but yesterday, I really felt as if I could take one or not. 
I took one.

We're eating cleaner...and limiting fast food.  
This is fun...and I find myself not wanting some of the mess we used to eat.  Just the other day I was on my way to Hattiesburg and needed something to eat...poor planning that day...I wheeled in and out of several places because I could not even FORCE what was served at a variety of establishments sound good to me...even though I was really really hungry. 

I usually keep peanut butter, bananas, and bread in my office for such occasions. 
Don't judge.

I'm blogging again.
But, that's ok because this space is mine.
All mine.
I'm even ok that my old followers have dropped off.
This isn't a book blog anymore.

I have 8 more minutes to type.  I've looked at the clock several times.
I'm just typing away.
What else is there to say?

I have enjoyed slowly adding back a few of the bloggers I felt I really got to know in the daily blogging season.  Many of them have shifted their blogs as well...if not left them quiet for a while.  
I don't know if they're coming back.

I'll tell you one person who makes me laugh almost every single day...and that's Jenny Larson. 
I read one of her books while waiting on Mom at the cancer clinic last summer...and I snorted out loud...surrounded by cancer patients.
I got a few not so nice glances during that phase...even from my mom at a certain point.
Can't you read something depressing while we're in this depressing place??
Can't we just be sad and depressed all the time?
Is that too much to ask?
For Larson, it is.
Larson's blog will go quiet sometimes, and it's usually when she's struggling.  
I get that.
It happens.
Even to those with bestselling books.
But, she always re-surfaces.
And makes me snort.
Don't go there if you are easily offended by language bc she's a doozy in that category...but she's just being honest.  She's just sharing Truth.  
Her Truth.
Don't we all have our own Truth?
And, aren't we entitled to own that Truth?

I am.
I know I am.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Tell the Truth...and hit POST.

I listened to a podcast interview with Glennon Doyle Melton last night on my way home from Birmingham. 

Elizabeth Gilbert was the interviewer.

The interview, in Gilbert's own words, was a "Benediction" for the closing of her 2nd season of "Big Magic."

These two are BFFs so to say it was an interview that was soul reaching would put it mildly at best. 

Back in ye old book reviewing days, Gilbert's book was one that really hit home with me and I vowed to read more like it.

I've always liked reading.  Always.
But, I like writing too.

I teach writing.
So why is it so hard to write.

Sometimes the words just flow.
When I'm typing with something heavy on my mind and not in the least bit worried about what anyone else will think.

But, when I was book blogging, writing became almost a chore...reading too.
What was I going to read next?
Which book review would I accept next?
Which TBR would I conquer next?
Who would I try to make happy next?
Even though my Book Review policy said that my opinions were my own, I was frightened sometimes to write what I really felt.
Who really cared about what I felt?

But, sometimes the words don't flow.
A lot of times that flow ceases because I'm trying to force the words.
Because I feel like my writing is playing.
I should be doing laundry or grading essays.
Not twiddling away my precious time with writing.

Melton told Gilbert that when she first started writing, she got up at 4:30 every morning and a closet.
I immediately wanted my own writing closet.
Can you even imagine?

I Googled pictures of writing closets, but I couldn't find one that looked like mine would.
My writing closet would be big enough that the clothes hanging would not touch me.
Yet, not so big that there is so much air around me to feel a draft.
I would want my clothes to sortof envelope me.
Not that I worship my clothes or anything, but it's kindof like the big fluffy robe I wear no matter what temp it is outside.
Sometimes I have to jack down the AC so I can wear my robe...but hey, it works.

I saw many pics of writing closets with the writer's back exposed.
I don't want that either.
I would need to face the opening.
No idea why on this one.

Obviously the idea of a writing closet is to pull the writer away from any and all possible distraction.
I need that.

The other Melton tidbit that stuck with me is that she wrote for a certain amount of time and then clicked

'Scuse me, what?

Melton says, the response isn't part of the writer's job.
The creativity, the writing...that's where the writer's job ends.
What others think of it?
How others respond?
Not the writer's problem.
I took a blogging break for a I started dealing with some pretty serious issues in my life.  I'm still dealing with by day...
I disabled all comments and even blocked out readers for a while...and it was very freeing to write, knowing that the space was only mine again.
I'm ready to venture back out.
We'll see.
No promises.

I saved Melton and Gilbert's podcast.
I'll be debriefing this one for a while I think.

I'm hitting post, y'all.
This should be interesting.