3 days in a row

Today is Monday 

Fine.

The sun is out, the skies are blue...it's hot but there's actually a breeze...oh wait, maybe that's my fan.

For some strange reason, I've been thinking a lot about who I used to be.

Because I think she is who I really am.

At some point, I think I got caught up in what I thought the rest of the world thought I should be.

My middle daughter who is on a weight loss journey was announcing her successful weigh in this morning..dimples deep and wide, her bright eyes shining, her color rosey and healthy looking...

She said to me, "If I could just get to ___ lbs, then everything will be good, I won't feel overwhelmed, I won't be anxious, I'll feel so much better.

I looked up from the book I'm reading (Sarah Bessey's Miracles and Other Reasonable Things), and said, "Wait, what?"

My aunts and my mom always focused on weight.  Every pound gained or lost was the first thing noticed when entering the house, Mama Dare's house, or in the dressing room, trying on clothes.  

The women in my life are good people.  I am absolutely not saying they are bad people. They focused on weight because of their own personal battles with themselves.

But, I see in myself the tendency to do the very same thing...not a pound, inch, bubble, fluff, dark spot, loose skin, and/or wrinkle gets by me.  I don't need a psychologist to tell me that's learned behavior on my part.  All this to say that I have tried my best to never, even when my girls were younger, make comments about their bodies...we used the word healthy.  Period.

Last summer I was so depressed that I lost a lot of weight...more than I ever have.  

Please don't worry.  Quarantine has taken care of those pounds for me. 

At her Gender Reveal, my oldest daughter said, "Mom, you look really healthy."

Nice every now and then to find out you may possibly have done something just a little bit right. 

My husband said, "I think you're too skinny."

I appreciated my daughter's comment, but the husband's comment made me giddy.

I was 129 pounds.  5'6", 50 years old. 

An acquaintence of mine messaged me on FB:

"Girl, you look amazing!

What's your secret??"

Depression

Anxiety

Feeling like I'm losing my mind.

Crying every day.

Brain fog.

No appetite.

Her response: 

"Glad there's a positive."

I don't know what this means.  

And I'm not going to stress myself out trying to figure out what it means. 

It just is. 

Might be back tomorrow.