About Me

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I am a forty-eight year old mother, wife, animal lover, runner, Believer. My faith has sustained me since I was 15 years old despite my own flailing about. I'm making major changes in my life, and it feels pretty good (most of the time). I've been blogging for almost 7 years, and my blog follows my identity as a blogger as well as a person. I'm wide awake. @wideawakewellness #TeamIron #TeamBelieve

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Thanksgiving is Christmas Maybe.

I spend the day after Thanksgiving in my pjs.
And yesterday was no different.

As evident in the picture above, Layla and Zeke spent the day after Thanksgiving recovering from their Thanksgiving panic attack at having so many strangers (to them) in our house.

I'm not a Black Friday shopper at all, and I host Thanksgiving, so I take the day after just for me. 
I went to bed around 8:30 p.m. on Thanksgiving and slept until 10:00 a.m. on Black Friday and then just piddled around all day in the house. 

Piddling is my favorite, y'all...and I can easily get caught up in it.  My ability to do nothing and enjoy it may come from the fact that I was an only child for 11 years and learned to entertain myself.  
I'm not afraid of being by myself; I actually need it sometimes. 

When I got up yesterday, I took the dogs out and just laughed at my backyard.
The number of kids at our house on Thanksgiving increases each year, and they may have outnumbered the adults this year.
It certainly looked that way in my backyard.
But, here's the thing. 
I laughed.
I really did.

The irony that my backyard looked like we hosted a fraternity party did not escape me...but I laughed.

I have a peace.
A peace that I'm on the right track.
A peace that at this moment, today, I'm doing what God wants me to do.
Now, that doesn't mean that peace won't fluctuate...don't get me wrong...but for right now, there is peace.

My brother-in-law said Thanksgiving should be our Christmas.  When we all come together to enjoy each other and our families without the gifts and the pressure and the noise and the chaos surrounding a holiday that has become anything but what it was intended, that is our Christmas.

So Thanksgiving is Christmas?


So what does that mean?

I have no idea.

But, I'm going to be thinking about it for quite some time.

Monday, November 21, 2016

I launched y'all!!

I did it. 
I launched!!
I've decided that I am going to follow where I feel the Lord is leading me in this season of my life. 

Wide Awake Wellness is my new ministry.  
Instagram is my main launching point right now, and if you want to find me there, I'm at @wideawakewellness

My blog isn't going to change...it's still going to be the deeper parts of me.  
I feel safer here than anywhere probably.  
Right now the only people who are here are strangers pretty much.  I'm not quite ready to go blaring my soul everywhere all the time...yet.  

My life changed in May this year.
6 months ago, I stopped drinking and recommitted my life to Christ.  I didn't make any big announcements because that's just not me.  I do have a co-worker who is a recovering alcoholic who has been pivotal in my decision to stop drinking and to deal with my anxiety and depression wide awake...hence the name of my ministry. 

I was so afraid for so long to talk about it...I think over the last 5 years of this blog I have very definitely alluded to the problems. 
I was so scared to just say it.  
When I launched this weekend, I can't tell you how freeing it was.
To just say I'm a recovering alcoholic.

That's the scariest sentence I've every typed, y'all.
But, I typed it.

Sure did.
Now that all my secrets are the light, I'll be here more often.  
No promises about how often, type of content, organization, etc...it's taken me 6 months to get to here...to actually call It what It is.
The stopping drinking, however, was the easy part (in comparison).

Dealing with the causes of my drinking...anxiety and depression...are not easy at all...please notice I used a present tense verb there.
Drinking was simply a way to push back the real issues...to numb them...to put them off...to NOT deal with them.

But, I am dealing now.

I don't always do it well...
But, I am dealing.

Thank you, Lord for you unending, unconditional mercy and grace.
Not sure where I would be without it.

I'm ok.
I really am.

So very much to be thankful for this holiday season!!

Friday, October 7, 2016

Still Haven't Jumped

I don't feel like writing this morning...I feel like sleeping.
I'm truly already looking forward to the nap I'm planning to take after work.

Today should be a fairly easy day. 
We will actually have office time today due to a math competition that is taking over our building.
My plan is to close my office door and work in peace and quiet.
I need to do lots of organizing, grading, and check things off my checklist.

We'll see how that goes.

I had a pretty intense conversation with Kendal yesterday. 
In a Runner's World interview that I listened to yesterday, Kristen Armstrong brought up a quote..."You are only as happy as your unhappiest kid."  Yikes.
Both my older girls are struggling some.  
This blog serves as my story and not theirs so I won't go into details here.  But, suffice to say, they have both graduated from college and are a little stalled in the adult world. 
"Am I an adult?"
"Am I a kid?"
"Look at those silly college freshmen!"
"Look at those old people."
"Where am I?"
"I want to be like the groups of young adults on Friends or How I Met Your Mother, or The Big Bang Theory."

By their age, I was married.
I had a college degree, full time job, and was an adult female, teacher, wife in pretty much all sense of the words.
But they are somewhere in between...and I'm struggling to help them take the next steps.
Whatever those steps may be.  

I see them spinning their wheels.
They are so hesitant to forge on. 
Neither is in a situation she wants to be in, yet neither can even imagine taking the first step to making change.

And, then it hit me.
Wonder where they get this hesitancy from?
Oh boy.

I still haven't jumped.
I want my decision to be a perfect one.
I want a guarantee.
I want to be able to change my mind and come back to this comfortable spot if things don't work out better.
I like my comfortable spot.
But I really don't.
It's just safe.
But, not really.

Why am I still waiting?
Why are they still waiting?

Stepping out is scary.
Very scary.

I'm gonna need another cup of coffee.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Happy Birthday to Me...Selfie Style

I posted this selfie on Instagram last night as a part of an online wellness accountability group I'm loving!

Before I posted, y'all don't know how I anguished over this photo...which photo to use...from the video I shot during the last 5 minutes of my yoga session.
Do I look fat?
Do I look old?
Will I embarrass my daughters?
What will people think?
Will people think I've gone kooky?
Will people try to figure out what's wrong with me all of a sudden?

I spent more time contemplating this one post than I did with the actual post. 

After I posted, guess what I did. 
I came back several times to see who liked it.
"Several times" is an understatement. 

In this Truth Telling and Posting season I'm in, I'm not supposed to care about who "likes" my posts.

Why is it easier to write anonymously than for all the world to see...
well, not all the world...but you know...

I couldn't share this post on FB.  I just couldn't.  
Instagram is public...but not as public as FB...yikes.

I contemplated sharing it on FB this morning...but I couldn't.  
I'm going to think about this all day.  
Analyzing the analysis of the analysis...that's me.
While it is what it is and I surely need some work...the constant analysis is a part of me.
Who I am.
I'm not going to apologize for it anymore.

Happy 48th Birthday to me!