Morning musings

Anybody else think their straightest first thing in the morning?

Anybody else still have a hard time getting up early even when they know they will be so happy they did?

only me?

not at all surprised.

The first thing I do every morning is 

use the bathroom

take my meds

take my phone off the charger and walk downstairs to make the first blessed cup of coffee

I sit in one of my outside swings and drink that first cup while I give myself permission to scroll.

When the first cup is done, I make the 2nd one and sit down with my morning books and Jesus...back in the swing.

Now, some people will tell you I'm doing it wrong.  They would tell you that I should have my time with Jesus before I scroll on my phone.

And I have fallen into guilt about that my own self from time to time.

But here's the thing...

I have yet to find a story in the Bible that tells me Jesus is upset with me because I drink a cup of coffee before we meet. 

I don't think Jesus works like that.

I like to think that Jesus may be having quiet time with someone else when I first get up, so I'm just waiting patiently for our appt. time to begin.

A quick scroll through social media helps me also remember that so many people in our world are hurting...Jesus is, in fact, a very busy Savior right now.

My morning reads right now are :

The Book of Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals

She Reads Truth Bible

One Thousand Gifts Devotional by Ann Voskamp

and 

Miracles and Other Reasonable Things by Sarah Bessey

The Book of Common Prayer is a year round read...I started this last year, have put it down from time to time but always seem drawn to come back to it. 

I didn't care for the She Reads Truth Bible when I first bought it...but I love it now.

I have no idea how to explain this.

My mom, my youngest daughter, and I are supposed to be working our way through the One Thousand Gifts Devotional...

Sarah Bessey's book is an add on...Over the summer, I've been adding on books by authors I've been wanting to read but just haven't taken the time to 

This is from Sarah Bessey today...

But at the same time, I don't know if we are doing folks any favors if we act like when we become Christians or when we follow Jesus, all we do is win.  I think it's okay to say that we mess up, that we let people down, that we overpromise and underdeliver, that we go to therapy, that we take our meds, that we go for walks to remember everything good and true, that we're still in the midst of figuring out where God is in the middle of all this, that we're learning our capacity and God's goodness the real way; by living our lives and experiencing both victories and sorrows in the midst.

and 

...I didn't need a miracle to know that God was real, that God was good, that wholeness is relative, that shalom includes the incarnation and the material, that we are still breathing the air of God's goodness, perhaps most especially in the desert. 

(page 130)

In an earlier chapter, Sarah Bessey talks about a "word of knowledge" - "a supernatural revelation of information pertaining to a person of an event, given for a specific purpose, usually having to do with an immediate need" pg 98

I couldn't help but wonder today if Sarah Bessey has any idea how many times her words have been just that for me over the last few months?

And not just hers...Rachel Held Evans...who died suddenly a year ago...who inspires me with all that she left behind.

Ann Voskamp and the cross on her wrist...teaching me to practice a daily eucharisteo - to look for the God moments and give thanks.

Beth Moore - her Texas drawl through my headphones on Monday nights when I walk.

Jen Hatmaker who makes me snort on a regular basis...and cry...

Jenny Lawson who wakes up every morning and chooses to stay.

and so many other strong women...finding their feet in today's chaos...

they are not perfect.

they are not the same.

their lives are not and have never been perfect...and they don't pretend that it is...they've made mistakes, even big ones, and they are honest about those. They don't pretend they have all the answers.

But they refuse to sit back and be quiet.

I need that.

I need to know that my brokenness is ok.

I'm not perfect.

Far from it, in fact

But my lack of perfection does not make me any less in God's eyes.  

Because He loves me.

 Just.the.way.I.am.

And just maybe I have to be broken to appreciate the whole.

Grateful.

I'm not on a roll...

Well, day 4 and day 5 just came right on and went...

but I'm still here.

We've made it to the end of another week somehow...most weeks are up and down for our household as I know they are for everyone else as well.  I don't really know how we are doing this...we just keep on keepin' on...that's all I know to do.

I've always been a reluctant scheduler...I like having choices...but I can also quickly get overwhelmed with choices.  

It has helped a lot to make lists and some days just put one foot in front of the other...naps are good too...sometimes...and a house full of foster animals is pretty good as well...we're out of room though, so don't ask.

We have a foster pup (10 months probably) with red mange, 2 kittens, and a Mama cat.

The kittens are the best of the crew...they are playing like they have no care in the world.  They are sisters

but caught at different times...so they weren't sure of each other in the initial reintroduction stage.

The "pup" keeps getting bigger and has the slowest growing hair - the plan for him is to catch a ride up North on the next transport...after his hair grows back...whenever that is.

He also doesn't know how to play gently with the cats - he's got a lot of lab in him...and all that entails.

The mama cat won't let us touch her...for two days, she was loose in my middle daughter's bedroom.

Yep.

Loose.

Our 4 permanent residents (2 cats and 2 dogs) are not impressed with any of the visitors so keeping doors closed and 24/7 alternating rounds of letting canines in the backyard and giving everyone equal socialization time is making us crazy...

Fostering is hard.

I have to continually tell myself we can't keep them.

I have a friend who fosters too...she's always showing pictures of her big, happy foster family on social media.

I've fostered a lot...and have never experienced that.

Maybe it's me?

Limiting social media and weekly therapy are also a must to surviving fostering animals and a pandemic.

yup

as  is coffee

clean dishes and clean clothes...one load at a time are good too...

Target pick ups

Y'all.  

I may never go inside the stores again.

Paper Mate flair pens - lots of colors

books - it's ok to like books...I'm 51.

Ezekiel bread (thank you @dominiquesachse for introducing me)

Nature's Farm gourmet eggs (#shoplocal)

sports bras

cute masks

Apparently, today's post is a rambling sort of post...

If this doesn't look like pandemic writing, I don't know what does...

Is it naptime yet?

3 days in a row

Today is Monday 

Fine.

The sun is out, the skies are blue...it's hot but there's actually a breeze...oh wait, maybe that's my fan.

For some strange reason, I've been thinking a lot about who I used to be.

Because I think she is who I really am.

At some point, I think I got caught up in what I thought the rest of the world thought I should be.

My middle daughter who is on a weight loss journey was announcing her successful weigh in this morning..dimples deep and wide, her bright eyes shining, her color rosey and healthy looking...

She said to me, "If I could just get to ___ lbs, then everything will be good, I won't feel overwhelmed, I won't be anxious, I'll feel so much better.

I looked up from the book I'm reading (Sarah Bessey's Miracles and Other Reasonable Things), and said, "Wait, what?"

My aunts and my mom always focused on weight.  Every pound gained or lost was the first thing noticed when entering the house, Mama Dare's house, or in the dressing room, trying on clothes.  

The women in my life are good people.  I am absolutely not saying they are bad people. They focused on weight because of their own personal battles with themselves.

But, I see in myself the tendency to do the very same thing...not a pound, inch, bubble, fluff, dark spot, loose skin, and/or wrinkle gets by me.  I don't need a psychologist to tell me that's learned behavior on my part.  All this to say that I have tried my best to never, even when my girls were younger, make comments about their bodies...we used the word healthy.  Period.

Last summer I was so depressed that I lost a lot of weight...more than I ever have.  

Please don't worry.  Quarantine has taken care of those pounds for me. 

At her Gender Reveal, my oldest daughter said, "Mom, you look really healthy."

Nice every now and then to find out you may possibly have done something just a little bit right. 

My husband said, "I think you're too skinny."

I appreciated my daughter's comment, but the husband's comment made me giddy.

I was 129 pounds.  5'6", 50 years old. 

An acquaintence of mine messaged me on FB:

"Girl, you look amazing!

What's your secret??"

Depression

Anxiety

Feeling like I'm losing my mind.

Crying every day.

Brain fog.

No appetite.

Her response: 

"Glad there's a positive."

I don't know what this means.  

And I'm not going to stress myself out trying to figure out what it means. 

It just is. 

Might be back tomorrow.