Woman Thinking

Just as soon as I came back...I left again.

For a lot of reasons, I guess...but I don't really want to talk about them.

I don't want to talk about my melancholy because a blogging friend of mine was hit by a car; she's alive but confined to 2 rooms of her home trying to give her broken body time to heal while not losing her mind.

I don't want to talk about my melancholy because another friend of mine is at home with her 4 year old granddaughter, keeping her comfortable through her last days with cancer.  After a year and a half long fight, the doctors told her son and daughter-in-law this past week that there was nothing more that they can do.  The tumors continue to grow and reproduce.

I don't want to talk about my melancholy because my friend whose husband killed himself is going through a really difficult time with her daughters...they wake up every single day missing their daddy.  She goes to bed every single night without her best friend, a cold spot on the other side of the bed.

I don't want to talk about my melancholy because there are children in the world who are abused, others who don't have enough to eat, drug abuse abounds, and wars are raging. 

Like my middle child I tend to carry the burden of others sometimes too close...to the point that I myself shut down just for self-preservation purposes.  I think I'm there right now...possibly curled up in a fetal position under my desk sucking my thumb...eyes shut tight trying to "find a happy place."  

Don't get me wrong; I'm a very happy person...I just want everything and everyone else to be happy too.

I don't want children to be overcome with cancer.

I don't want kittens to get run over and left in the middle of the road.

I want everybody to have enough money to live comfortably.

I want drugs to disappear.

That's not too much, is it??

I've been getting up in the mornings at 5:30, and Layla and I walk from 6-6:45 around our neighborhood.  It is the most peaceful time of my day and the time that I talk to God.  

Word of God speak.

Would you pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see

Your majesty.

To be still and know 

That your in this place.

Please let me stay and rest

In your holiness

Word of God speak.

Sometimes the world feels as if it's been put in a brown paper sack and shaken up...kinda like my grandmother used to do with fried chicken and flour.

I don't know how people who don't believe deal with a fried chicken kind of world.

I can come out from under my desk and try another day only because I know there's someone greater than me in control.

I am blessed.

Tragedy

Amidst all the Show Choir excitement of late and the upcoming high school graduation of my firstborn, we received a shocker this past Wednesday night.  As we sat at the table at church during Wednesday Night Supper discussing the exhaustion that always begins to overtake us at the end of any semester, compounded by all the extras happening in our lives right now, my friend and colleague sitting next to me received a phone call.  We knew immediately that the call wasn't a good one...and our group silently waited for her to hang up and tell us what had happened.

Another friend of ours' husband had been found dead.

We sat stunned...I literally froze and my mouth dropped open.

When we finally regained our composure, we immediately began dialing our own cell phones to confirm the news as well as to find out what was happening and what we could do. 

Slowly the word came back to us that he had died from a gunshot...and then the most stunning news of all...that the gunshot was self-inflicted.

You could have heard a pin drop.

Lee and David (not their real names) had a marriage that was real...based on love, trust, friendship and honor.  They were in it for the long haul and loved their family, farm and two beautiful daughters.  Two harder working people in our community do not exist...they answered every call, supported every need, and were deeply devoted to their family and community.

How in the world could this happen to them?

My friend Sandi and I left the church and went Lee and David's home.  The sheriff, coroner, doctor, etc were still there and we supported Lee as they officially pronounced her husband dead, performed the obligatory scene investigation, transferred David's personal effects to Lee and then removed his body from the scene.

Sandi and I stayed into the night...sometimes supporting Lee and following instructions and sometimes just off in a dark corner by ourselves discussing life...and faith.

I don't know any other way to make sense of something like this.

After a long night of visitation...which lasted over 5 hours...the line to get in to speak to Lee and her girls and the rest of their family was wrapped inside and outside the funeral home all night, Lee buried her husband, her soulmate, the father of her children Saturday morning. 

While I have no doubt that Lee will find her feet (albeit probably a while from now), she does not yet understand why.  She admits that she will probably never know.  David did not leave a note, and as of yet, there is no indication of any particular event that might have caused him to take his own life.

As a community we will surround her and her girls with love...we will all become her daughters' parents and we'll figure out a way to help them keep living.

Our own daughters are friends of Lee and David's daughters; they have asked us a lot of questions and we have answered them as best as we can.  I'm sure we'll be talking about these tragic events for some time.

As for the Head of My Household, I've told him many times that if it ever crossed his mind that we would be better off without him, he'd just better think again.  We all like to act like we're tough, independent women...and we are...but he is our stabilizer.  He adds the quiet control that all 4 of us females need.  He's getting a little overwhelmed with all the kissing, hugging and constant reminders of our love...but he'll just have to get over it.

Please kiss and hug the ones you love today...and tell them that you love them.

And, please say a little prayer for my friend Lee.

We Have the Flu

We have battled every kind of malady in existence over the last couple of weeks.  My household has been snorting, coughing, sniffing, running fever, aching...you name a symptom, and we have had it.

My kids never share anything; but they have generously been sharing germs over the holidays. 

Isn't that sweet???

As the flu began to make its presence in our community the last week of school before the holidays, I convinced my youngest to stay home with me...she happily conceeded until the last two days of school...a Polar Express party and the class Christmas party were enough to "pull her back in" (think Al Pacino in Godfather III)

At the Christmas party (which I also attended) in the course of an hour, 3 children left the classroom and had to have their parents called.  The office was full of sick children and parents were in and out picking up children who were running fever. 
As I had already been to the doctor's office with my oldest that week, I prayed that we would somehow escape what seemed to be the beginnings of an epidemic.

Up until yesterday I was still holding on to hope.

Of all five of us...4 of us strapping, big, healthy folks...my BABY is the first with a positive diagnosis.

With fever that has been as high as 103 over the last 24 hours and an upset tummy that obviously doesn't agree with Tamiflu on top of everything else, she announced this morning, "I don't think I'm gonna make it, Mama"

Go ahead and say AWWWWWWWWWWW!

You know you want to.

I told her she was gonna make it...cause that's what Mommies are for.

I bet Santa brings her extra presents.

What do you think?

Good-Bye BeyBey Part II

I'm still reeling from the stunning loss of our BeyBey.

Especially because of the senseless way it happened.

The Head of My Household is taking it extremely hard...I think he feels responsible...even though he was most definitely NOT.

As I've mentioned before, BeyBey was not a fan of my youngest's "Dora Big Wheel."

She also seemed to have an aversion to anything with wheels.

English Bulldogs are not "energetic" dogs by any stretch of the imagination.

But, when the Big Wheel was rolling on the sidewalk or the lawn mower was out, BeyBey would literally lose her mind.

The Head of My Household and I were just discussing yesterday that maybe BeyBey had some kind of traumatic experience with a wheeled and motored contraption of some kind.
Sadly, now we'll never know.

BeyBey liked to be outside...as long as there was shade nearby in case it got too hot.

But, we were always very careful about watching her around the pool.

English Bulldogs are not the most graceful creatures nor do they have any semblance of balance.

Several times when we were outside, BeyBey would toddle over by the pool and I would say, "If you fall in there, I ain't comin' in after ya."

Knowing full well that if she had gone in, I would have rescued her in a flash.

I almost felt that it was inevitable that she would fall in...but I never imagined that it would be when someone wasn't there to help her.

I assumed that once she fell in, it would scare her and she would steer clear of the pool altogether.

Yesterday the Head of My Household and I were on our way home from Jackson, MS.

My firstborn was in charge at home.

She had to run to town and pick up my middle child.

When she left, she decided to leave BeyBey inside the screened in porch.

Unfortunately, the screened in porch had a hole in its screen.

The hole is up high enough though that my firstborn never even imagined BeyBey could reach it.

My youngest had been riding the Dora Big Wheel since she'd been home from school.

I'm sure BeyBey was beside herself wanting to eat the Dora Big Wheel.

After they left the house, the best we can guess is that BeyBey got herself out of the screened in porch because she just had to get a taste of that Big Wheel.

We figure that as she pushed and bit on the Big Wheel, it scooted closer and closer to the pool until it fell in with BeyBey right behind it.

I feel nauseous just typing this.

In the approximately 20 minutes my firstborn was gone, BeyBey drowned.

Soccer Boy and my firstborn found her in the pool when they returned home and realized she was not inside the screened in porch.

 Soccer Boy (bless his heart) got BeyBey and the Big Wheel out of the water.

I am thankful that the Head of My Household does not have that image to remember.

My hysterical firstborn called me on my cell phone to tell me what had happened.

A hysterical teenager on a cell phone is one of the most frightening things you can  ever experience...especially when she is responsible for your home and 2 other children...and especially when all you can understand is the phrase "fell in the pool" and the word, "drowned."

I had to yell at her through the phone to get her to calm down so that I could even understand WHO fell in the pool.

Thankfully we were only 10 minutes from home when she called.

After somehow holding it all together, the Head of My Household made two of the most difficult phone calls he's ever had to make.

He called the wife of the man who gave BeyBey to us.

And, then he called her husband who was umpiring a baseball game in a nearby town.

Because BeyBey had been theirs for 5 years and ours for only 5 weeks, the Head of My Household wanted to let them know before he made any further decisions.

Soccer Boy and the Head of My Household buried BeyBey in our yard while we women stayed inside squalling.

I went out once to offer moral support, but I needed more support than I could provide so I came back inside.

Talk about feeling inadequate.

BeyBey's previous owner stopped by on his way home around 10:30 p.m. to pay his respects as well.
We squalled again.

Needless to say, we didn't sleep well last night.

I opened my eyes this morning, hoping it had all been a bad dream.

But, it wasn't.

Good-Bye BeyBey

After only 5 short weeks we lost our BeyBey

BeyBey drowned in our pool tonight.

We are sick.

We are devastated.

My friend Missie said, "If only life had a rewind button."

That's all I can really say right now.

Sunshine on My Shoulder

Today is Tuesday... but it sure feels like a Monday.

I woke up this morning around 2 a.m. because I literally could not breathe...the crud is back...thanks to my croupy youngest child.

I got up, and against my better judgement took some Tylenol PM cough and cold medicine.

Meds and I, we go way back.

Especially anything that will make you sleepy.

If it makes you drowsy, it knocks me on my arse.

Anyhoo, I was desperate...so I took some of that vile tasting stuff.

When I woke up by chance this morning at 7 (at least an hour later than I should have woken up), the world was revolving around me...literally...

I was still in such a stupor for most of the day that I believe I could have had minor surgery and not felt a thing.

After a heavy duty nap after work outside in a lounge chair by the pool in the sunshine, I finally began to feel like I was awake.

Amazing what sunshine can do.

I found these picture in my NYC archives and they made me feel better too...

These tulips were planted in a small park area where vendors are set up downtown between the Brooks Brothers flagship store and Ground Zero.

Amazing what sunshine can do!

Please hurry, Summer.

The Big Apple

I am here:

After a grueling day of travel that began at 2 a.m....and I do mean grueling...we arrived in NYCity by about 11 a.m.

The reason we left at such an ungodly hour was to be able to have an extra day in the city by getting started on the same day we arrived.

Do you think it worked out that way??

Of course not!

It seems as if some silly underground electrical something or another had caught on fire in one of the hotels not far from ours.

These poor folks had to be evacuated from their hotel...

Guess where they were evacuated to???

You guessed it!!!

OUR HOTEL!

Which, of course, meant that our rooms were not ready...

Please imagine standing on the sidewalk in the middle of Times Square with your suitcases.

You can't check in...there's not even enough places to sit down.

You're starving to death because you started this trip at 2 a.m.

You rode for 2 1/2 hours on a chartered bus to the nearest airport bc you live in such a small town that there are no airports any closer than that.

Please also imagine that your bus driver is 87.

I don't mean his ID number was 87 either.

Mr. 87 had trouble staying on the road all the way to the airport.

So much trouble, in fact, that other cars kept honking at him to wake him up and warn him that he was about to run over them.

Close your eyes and imagine as vividly as possible that your group consists of approximately 125 human beings (no animals on this trip)... including a majority of teenagers (ok, maybe a few animals)...

Which means that checking in baggage, retrieving boarding passes and security lines were absolutely ridiculous.

Which means that you had to run to get on your plane before they closed the doors!

Which means that you did not have time to stop and eat breakfast in the airport nor go to the bathroom nor, most importantly, have that first cup of coffee!

You've already experienced all of this by the time you arrive in NYCity only to find out that your rooms are not ready.

And, that they won't be ready at least for another several hours.

Oy!

Please imagine that on top of everything else you've experienced today, that NY City is HOT!

Could have even been 90 degrees in the direct sunshine...which you were standing in at high noon with your suitcases because you arrived early to get an extra day.

Now, I feel the need to tell you that this is not my 1st trip to NY. 

I heart NY.

But, Lord have mercy on my soul if today was not a direct challenge to my love for NY.

It seemed as if every tourist in America got together and decided that today of all days would be the very best day to visit Times Square.

And, on a WEDNESDAY!

They were EVERYWHERE!

(Notice how I'm pretending I'm not a tourist)

It's my firstborn and middle daughters' first trip to NY and I really want it to be special.

It seemed as if all day long though, the forces of the universe were working against me.

After some much needed rest, we do have a great trip planned.

My mom, my firstborn and middle daughters and I are seeing "In the Heights," "Wicked," "Phantom of the Opera" and "West Side Story" while we are here.

Here's hoping that Scarlett was right...and that "tomorrow is another day"...

Even in NY City.