Candlelight Mornings

10:00 

This morning is the first "everybody sleeps in" morning of the holidays.  No exams for my last school-age child and late night re-runs of Friends mean she'll be down till noon or later.  The oldest is in her bed downstairs as well.  We sat with her a while last night as she wrapped gifts and watched That 70s Show.  I do not need to get pulled into another tv show.  That's for sure...but it's good to spend time with my girls doing things they like to do...and it's even better that sometimes they don't mind me doing those things with them.

I'm not a perfect mom.  I hope I'm done trying to be.  All I can do is go from here.

Happiness and resilience may be the best gifts I can give them anyway.

We closed on our house yesterday.

Owning two houses at the same time was not great.  It created a lot of stress and lack of funds. Yeesh.  We are both incredibly glad that our house sold quickly.  We know that's not the case with a lot of people who have to buy before selling their old house.

I struggled with panic as we sat in the lawyer's office yesterday.

I had to walk outside on the porch and let the sun warm my face and a cool wind wash over me before I could get myself back together.  

Once the closing attorney called us in and began passing the multitude of papers across the table for us to sign, my breath once again became shallow.

I started talking at that point.

Chit Chat.

Nothing special...just talk.

A distraction.

It worked for a while and got me out of there in one piece.

My big girl Layla had her regular vet checkup yesterday, and we may be facing a health crisis with her.

She has what may be a tumor on her cornea.

We'll make an appt. today to see a canine opthamologist in Ocean Springs.

Yes, that's really a thing.

Our local vet said that one of his partners "probably could" remove it for pathology but the best guy for the job is in Ocean Springs.

I'ma take a "best guy for the job" over a "probably could" any day.

We're talking about an eyeball here.

Not to mention a member of our family.

We don't do that "it's just a dog" thing here.

I picked up a turkey this morning.

At the local Spay and Neuter Clinic.

True Story.

P.S. the turkey was frozen.

10:12

I also got to talk to an old teacher friend of mine at the Spay Neuter Clinic.

I haven't seen her in a while and couldn't get over how fabulous she looks. 

Weight Watchers.

All these people keeping looking fabulous with Weight Watchers.

And when I say fabulous, I don't mean skinny as a rail with their skin hanging off.  

When I say fabulous, I mean "glowing" and healthy...with smiles on their faces...and smaller pants.

I can't do gimmicks.

I've seen the sassy commercials that talk about WW as an old way to lose weight.  

WW has been around a long time.

It's stood the test of time a lot longer than some of the new ways to lose weight and I think more importantly, to maintain it...learn how to eat...call a spade a spade when it comes to emotional eating...encourage people to take part in realistic exercise that be sustained for a lifetime.

Sustainability.

I like that.

10:17

I spent entirely too much time last night on Amazon reading reviews and sales pitches about Essential Oils and diffusers. 

Who knew there were so many options?! 

I finally chose one and ordered it.

We shall see.

I'm ready for a nap this morning.

And may very well take one before the lunchtime meeting today. 

The room was so hot yesterday that I had to eat two snack bags of Skittles in order to stay awake.

Re-read the paragraph on Weight Watchers now.

10:20

I'm way behind on book reviews, so to clear my brain, I'm probably going to do a couple of shorter snippet posts with several reviews in one.  

My brain will like that I think.

Clear those shelves and move on.

My brain is having a hard time with ebooks right now.  

Does anybody else forget they have books if they only have them on ebooks?

I may have to let those go for a while.  

The main benefits I've found with ebooks is that they are much more convenient when traveling and if you're buying books, ebooks tend to be cheaper.

That's pretty much it.

I give up on audio books.  I'm too visual...I'm too tactile.  I need to hold and touch the pages.  I need to underline things.  

Audio books make me kindof nuts.  

I end up having to re-read a book I liked anyway so I'm not sure what the point is.

I'd much rather listen to a podcast.  

10:25

The key to my serenity I think is to keep all this stuff balanced somehow.  

Not overwhelm myself.

Let things go.

More discipline.

Write things down.

Check off the list.

Copy over things that don't get done.

Take naps.

Spend time with my dog.

Light a candle first thing in the morning.

Say my first prayer of the day by candlelight.

Keep it simple.

Apply grace to myself and others.

Speak kindness.

Say Merry Christmas as many times as possible.

Be nice.

Stay out of traffic.

Love.

Did I mention take naps?

10:30

TLC Book Tours - The Psychobiotic Revolution

The Psychobiotic Revolution: Mood, Food, and the New Science of the Gut-Brain Connection 

by Scott C. Anderson, John F. Cryan, Ted Dinan

 National Geographic

Format? hardback

Source? provided by the publisher via TLC Book Tours in exchange for an honest review.

Why?  the link between gut health and mental health isn't an idea that's new to me.  I've read a lot about, see the connections clearly, and want to learn as much as I can.  I was trained to be a researcher so I'm constantly looking for answers, explanations, or even just more questions.

Title?  not really much here that would have pulled me in...the sub title is helpful for sure.

  

Cover?  Meh...I kindof expected more from National Geographic.

What Now?  

I've already looked in the grocery store for yogurt without added sugar...guess what?  I haven't found much of it.
I think it's time we pay a lot more attention to what we are buying and blindly consuming.  I know I am.

Golden Lines

It takes a germ to fight a germ (14).

Properly established, a compatible biofilm can lead to a lifetime of gastronomic bliss, unburdened by inflammation and its frequent companions, depression and anxiety (22).

We have long comforted ourselves that breast milk is pure and antiseptic, but we now know it is a microbial balm for your vulnerable baby gut, full of bacteria (71).

In short, your body hobbles your immune system while it deals with stress (124).

The WHO (World Health Organization) estimates that depression and anxiety will be the top cause of disability for the coming decades.  That the rates are increasing even in the face of escalating usage of psych meds, indicates that we don't yet have a good solution in hand. 140-141

Many studies, both quantitative and anecdotal, confirm the age-old adage attributed to Hippocrates: "Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food" (179).

Nothing is an instant fix (192).

The only exercise some people get is operating the remote control (222).

Modern processed foods were developed, for the most part, in the United States.  We have a tradition going back only hundreds of years and resulting in a mixed, poorly vetted, inconsistent cuisine (243).

Summary

We've long been told that what we eat is the foundation for everything.  We don't want to hear it; we want a pill or some other easier answer to getting our lives back on track, feeling better, and taking control of our brains.  The authors of The Psychobiotic Revolution present clear research that we are indeed what we eat and that our lives would be much more enjoyable if we could balance our gut health in order to balance the rest of us.

What I Liked

The charts and drawings similar to what we used to trace in middle school...I'm a visual person so charts, photos, graphs, drawings are a must for me...I do wish there had been more color.

the history of penicillin and other antibiotics - "mold juice" (32).

the boy in the bubble

medical history intertwined with the science...another successful way to keep the reader going!

the similarity between broad spectrum antibiotics and chemo. 
"...taking antibiotics is like dropping a bomb into your guts" (205)

adaptive immunity
how immunity works and what happens when it doesn't
the vagus nerve
sugar cravings as "microbial longings" 

the very specific discussion of "bad" bacteria and "good bacteria" and our propensity today to think of all bacteria as something to be rid of.

the birth to death discussion of our microbiota 

the humor...amidst the deep scientific discussion, a "boop" of humor would bop me on the head and make me chuckle...just enough to keep going.  I had to give myself permission on several occasions to not be worried about the fact that I really wasn't sure exactly what the authors were talking about.

"Our evolutionary history, which included very few pastries rolling across the savanna, didn't prime us for glazed doughnuts" (87).

the discussion of the Mediterranean type diet, fiber, and a Japanese diet...although I do with there was more of this kind of application information.

the discussion of the American diet of being exactly opposite of what our microbiota need...the authors don't just tell you this; they show you.  It makes perfect sense.  There were several places where I thought, "no wonder I feel bad when I eat that."

the discussion of the nervous system and its divisions...reminded me of high school biology...I remembered a lot of the info in these chapters from the "good ole days."  I guess I was paying attention after all.

the case studies used throughout the chapters to illustrate the theories

the very specific discussion of the types of psychobiotics and where they can be found...the mixtures of certain ones, and why or when you would want to be sure and eat them

Chapter 7 - My Favorite Chapter - very specific information on how to add more psychobiotics to your diet.

the brief information on intermittent fasting - I'll definitely be reading more about this.

Whether we want to heart it or not, many of the major ailments of the present are directly related or exacerbated by the food we eat or don't eat...including IBS, Crohn's Disease, Ulcerative Colitis, Celiac and Gluten Sensitivity, eating disorders, obesity, Diabetes, Parkinson's Disease, Lewy Body Dementia, Heart disease, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

I'm a geek so I would be remiss if I didn't mention the Appendix, the Glossary, the Notes, the Further Reading page, and the Index.
I'm not even sorry for liking these things ;)

What I Didn't Like

animal research :( - transferring fecal matter and such...ew.

the phrase "highly associated with depression and anxiety" is repeated more than multiple times...I almost started counting.

The science is thick...not that I didn't like it...but I do think the average person won't want to wade through all of it. 

Overall Recommendation

This book is for you if you wonder if you'll ever feel ok, and you are ready for a serious discussion about the food we eat and why and how it affects our mental health via gut health.

The Authors 

About Scott C. Anderson

SCOTT C. ANDERSON is a veteran science journalist with specialization in medical topics and computer programming. He was one of the creators of Lego Island, a computer game, and his work has combined computer programming with medical research. He runs a laboratory called Freedom Health that studies bacterial health in racehorses and has developed prebiotics for animals and humans. He lives in Hudson, Ohio (between Cleveland and Akron), was born in Frankfurt, Germany, and recently lived in Sonoma, California.

About John F. Cryan, Ph.D.

JOHN F. CRYAN is professor and chair of the department of Anatomy & Neuroscience, University College Cork. A principal investigator in the Alimentary Pharmabiotic Centre, a leading-edge institute researching the role of microbiome in health and disease, he lives in Cork, Ireland.

About Ted Dinan, M.D., Ph.D.

TED DINAN is professor of psychiatry and a principal investigator in the Alimentary Pharmabiotic Centre at University College Cork. He was previously chair of clinical neurosciences and professor of psychological medicine at St. Bartholomew’s Hospital, London. He lives in Cork, Ireland.

Other Stops on the Tour

Wednesday, November 1st: Sapphire Ng

Thursday, November 2nd: Peppermint PhD

Monday, November 6th: Based on a True Story

Thursday, November 9th: Jathan & Heather

Monday, November 13th: Instagram: @caitlyn_block

Tuesday, November 14th: Literary Quicksand

Thursday, November 16th: Patricia’s Wisdom

Friday, November 17th: Instagram: @leahbhealthy

Monday, November 20th: Instagram: @wellnesswithedie

Tuesday, November 21st: Dreams, Etc.

TBD: Instagram: @danidoeshealth

IG Story: Instagram: @sierranielsen

Woman Thinking

Just as soon as I came back...I left again.

For a lot of reasons, I guess...but I don't really want to talk about them.

I don't want to talk about my melancholy because a blogging friend of mine was hit by a car; she's alive but confined to 2 rooms of her home trying to give her broken body time to heal while not losing her mind.

I don't want to talk about my melancholy because another friend of mine is at home with her 4 year old granddaughter, keeping her comfortable through her last days with cancer.  After a year and a half long fight, the doctors told her son and daughter-in-law this past week that there was nothing more that they can do.  The tumors continue to grow and reproduce.

I don't want to talk about my melancholy because my friend whose husband killed himself is going through a really difficult time with her daughters...they wake up every single day missing their daddy.  She goes to bed every single night without her best friend, a cold spot on the other side of the bed.

I don't want to talk about my melancholy because there are children in the world who are abused, others who don't have enough to eat, drug abuse abounds, and wars are raging. 

Like my middle child I tend to carry the burden of others sometimes too close...to the point that I myself shut down just for self-preservation purposes.  I think I'm there right now...possibly curled up in a fetal position under my desk sucking my thumb...eyes shut tight trying to "find a happy place."  

Don't get me wrong; I'm a very happy person...I just want everything and everyone else to be happy too.

I don't want children to be overcome with cancer.

I don't want kittens to get run over and left in the middle of the road.

I want everybody to have enough money to live comfortably.

I want drugs to disappear.

That's not too much, is it??

I've been getting up in the mornings at 5:30, and Layla and I walk from 6-6:45 around our neighborhood.  It is the most peaceful time of my day and the time that I talk to God.  

Word of God speak.

Would you pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see

Your majesty.

To be still and know 

That your in this place.

Please let me stay and rest

In your holiness

Word of God speak.

Sometimes the world feels as if it's been put in a brown paper sack and shaken up...kinda like my grandmother used to do with fried chicken and flour.

I don't know how people who don't believe deal with a fried chicken kind of world.

I can come out from under my desk and try another day only because I know there's someone greater than me in control.

I am blessed.

Keeping Calm and Carrying On

I'm hanging in there with this whole Senior thing.

Tonight is Senior Prom; the school and community have gone to great lengths to warn all of the seniors in our area to make the right decisions tonight...even to the point of parking a horribly disfigured car on the lawn of the high school.

Oy.

While I certainly appreciate the community/school taking great pains to warn our children of the dangers of drinking and driving, it has not helped my stress/anxiety level.

Honestly, the Head of My Household and I have never had to worry about that kind of stuff...and I get on my knees every single night and thank God that we've been so blessed...and then I pray again that we will continue to be so fortunate.

I have a multitude of blog posts in my head screaming to get out...the suicide of my friend's husband and how that has affected my middle child, questions of faith and forgiveness, Royal Wedding memories, the death of Osama Bin Laden, bullying on Facebook, teacher questions, letting go, planting our garden, and even a few book review posts.

And, I'll get to them all in due time.

Prom pictures tomorrow!

Calm in the Midst of Chaos

This past week has been one of those weeks that makes me dislike the Christmas season, not Christmas itself mind you, but the season.  Why in the world everybody feels the need to schedule something...anything during the busiest month of the year, I have no idea. 

I just gird my loins and just bulldozer through the best I can.

For seven straight days I have been literally on the run and have only slept in my own bed for 2 of those nights.  I have been in 3 states, attended I have no idea how many meetings, spoken to entirely too many people and then returned home to a marathon day of getting 7 classes of final grades into our computer system.  I was only an hour past the final deadline so I guess that's pretty good. 

I always feel guilty for being the last one to turn grades in. 

But, then I get mad bc I feel guilty; it's not like I've been on vacation all week. 

The guilt follows me into my personal life as well.  I made it 30 minutes late to a soccer game last night.  I thought it started at 6:30 and it started at 6:00.  More guilt. 

I could barely keep my eyes open and had to beg off my work responsibilities for Show Choir Dinner Theatre after the soccer game.  Double the guilt.

I will somehow have to redeem myself at the 2nd performance tonight. 

The Head of My Household informed me last night that we will be attending a Christmas Party after Dinner Theatre tonight.  HUH???

January and February are not looking much better unfortunately.  I have a trip planned for the first of the year and realized last night that said trip is the same weekend as the Soccer championships this year.  Geez...when will the guilt end?

Do I not plan the trip in case we go?

Do I plan the trip assuming the team won't make it to the championship game?

And, then what if I plan the trip assuming they won't make it...and they do?

And, what if I cancel the trip assuming they will make it to the championship...and they don't.

No win situation.

I have not had time to read, blog, decorate, bake cookies, etc...all things which make feel better amidst all this madness.  If I can make it through tonight, I hope to be able to remedy that next week.

Unless there's something else I've forgotten about.

The only thing that has kept me going this week is to look at pics like this:

This is my brand new little best buddy (newphew) Greyson.

He was born Dec. 2 and is my only brother's firstborn.  I actually was able to see him before I left on my whirlwind tour this past week.

I don't wish I had a baby...don't anybody panic.

I have daughters so a baby boy is a new experience for me.  I also have other nephews...but this one is different somehow...maybe it's my age...maybe it's my own close relationship with my brother who is 11 years younger than me. 

But, I'm so enjoying be an aunt...I get to look at little boy things in all the stores...pick out books I want him to read...look at his little face and remember his little baby smell :)

This is what life is really all about.

Thank you Little G for keeping me sane :)

For a little while longer anyway ;)

If it makes you happy...

I've been a little low lately...

But, I expect it at the change of seasons...

Or with the beginning of school.

I get so wrapped up with trying to make sure everybody and everything is organized that sometimes I forget to slow down some and take care of myself.

Over the years I've learned that there are several very easy things that help me "take care of myself"

1.  I have found that my own anxiety is much more in check if I get a reasonable amount of sleep at night...luckily for me, I have a 6 year old who needs much more sleep than most, and I can lay down with her at bedtime (that's my story anyway).

I am a sleeper...a napper...if I sit still for long, I'm asleep.

My mom told me that when I went to first grade, she worried about 2 things...

how I was going to carry my lunch tray all by myself...

and how I would make it all day without a nap.

I'm doing just fine with my lunch tray these days...

but I still need my nap.

2.  I also get a "rush" from having a meal plan and feeding my family on weeknights.

There's nothing like a friend of my firstborn who comes to my house at lunch during the week because our leftovers are "amazing!"

There's also nothing like sharing leftovers with my co-workers...in the crazy world of work, we take care of one another, and nobody has to run to McDonald's bc he/she is starving to death at lunchtime.

My firstborn's boyfriend payed me the best compliment a week or so ago when he was visiting from college. 

When I asked whether or not they would like to go out to eat or for me to cook something, he said, "Please cook something."

Now, don't get me wrong here; I am no fabulous, famous cook...I just think a homecooked meal makes everyone feel warm and fuzzy inside.

3.  Coupon clipping makes me feel as if I'm conquering capitalism and saving my family money at the same time.

It's a challenge...an adrenaline rush when I make my strategy, draw up the plan and then head for the front lines.

I have never been a numbers person so this one is a little weird to me...but hey, everybody can learn.

Paying off my credit cards and becoming more responsible with our livlihood has made me feel much more confident and self assured.

I am a competent person when it comes to money.

The Head of My Household asked me today if I knew how much I spent on the kids back to school shopping (we were not able to shop with my mom this year, and my youngest had her surgery, so most of our shopping was online...all purchases I made were on his credit card)

I stunned him when I quoted the exact amount ($2500) and told him that I had taken the money out of my extra summer check and placed it in savings.

He about fell out of his chair when I asked him whether he would like for me to write him a check or just electronically transfer the money to his account :):)

4.  Blogging.

I would have never imagined when I began my blog that I would have so many strangers out there in bloggy world that I consider my friends.

Some blogs I read along with the masses; some I read for recipes or saving scenarios at CVS and Walgreens; and some I read because those bloggers live are in places where I have visited and loved...their photography and stories bring back memories everytime I visit. 

Then, there are those bloggers who I know would be my friends if we knew each other in real life.

Other moms with personalities similar to my own as well as trials and triumphs that we've all experienced at some time or another.

Sometimes it's just nice to know I'm not completely crazy :)

And other blogs I just read for information or even just for a laugh.

And, then there are the book bloggers.

Oh my.

The first day I discovered book bloggers I felt like the little girl in the library who had found a home.

For, I remember book smells, the sights and sounds of even my middle school library, the quiet peacefulness of the stacks when I was in grad school and oh my goodness the card catalogs. 

Finally, a group of people to talk to who honored the printed page as much as I always have.

5.  My family.

When we are all under the same roof, I feel complete.  I even happily take in strays when necessary.

We have our challenges, no doubt, but we are trying to work on those together...to hopefully make us even stronger in the process.

Sometimes the world around us feels as if it is falling apart.

Our therapist talks about home as a harbor.

The harbor is the place where a sailboat can safely roam about and learn to sail...coming back in closer to the safety of the dock when necessary...and in the case of teenager sailboats, having to stay at the dock for an extended period of time if they venture too far too soon.

The harbor is also the place that a sailboat returns to after sailing about in the wild waves of the ocean.

The harbor is a place to mend, to float gently on the protected ocean and relax knowing that the rougher waves cannot reach you there...

The harbor is a place to rest and to trust that all who reside there have your best interest at heart.

See, isn't that a cool extended metaphor?

Our therapist is such a smart lady!!

6.  And, speaking of therapy...

Our therapist is not really "my" therapist.

But, committing to therapy to help our daughters has helped us all in the process...and helped our family.

I think therapy has made us closer, more open and honest with one another, and much more able to say what we think and feel.

I know there are folks out there with much bigger problems.

But, I've often wondered if those problems would have gotten so big if people would turn to therapy sooner, and not wait until everything is just catastrophic.

Sometimes an outside, objective perspective looking in might be all it would take for some families or individuals to see the danger signs ahead.

I certainly do not know the answers for everyone.

I just know how much therapy has helped us.

And that makes me happy.

Happiness

The Head of My Household and I had a conversation about happiness yesterday.

The Head of My Household is not a Chatty Charles so this was quite an accomplishment. 

What's even more of an accomplishment is that I didn't start this conversation :)

The Head of My Household is my friend. 

I am lucky.

He knows me, understands me (as much as any man can understand a woman), and accepts me.

After this past week's therapy sessions with our daughters, I told him I was going to need therapy to work through my issues with their therapy.

I was really kidding...I think.

For both of us all of the other stressers in our lives pale in comparison to the worries we have with our older daughters.

He will be joining us in therapy next week at the request of their counselor.

One of my daughters has repeatedly brought up the fact that she feels closer to her dad, that she can talk to him, that he listens to her, that he understands her.

What I hear her saying is that she doesn't feel close to me, she can't talk to me, I don't listen to her and I don't understand her.

See what I mean?

What I do understand is that this parenting thing is supposed to be a partnership.

If one kid can talk to one parent more comfortably than another, that shouldn't be that big of a deal, right??

Right.

Then why do I feel so guilty about this revelation?

I guess we'll find out more next week.

In the meantime the Head of My Household encouraged me to keep doing the things that make me happy...and to let go of the things that make me unhappy.

I asked him if that meant I could quit work... :)

He said he didn't care what I did as long as I could continue to pay my share of our bills.

DANG!!

So close!!

All of the worry of this week has my own heart beating faster and heavier than normal.

My own anxiety level is up.

In order to keep my anxiety in check while we help our daughters deal with theirs, I'm going to focus more on the things that make me happy:

Books - not just literary stuff, all kinds of books, I like to read about vampires but I also like to read about other people's lives, information books, cookbooks, etc...you name it, I like it.

Photography - I don't have any designs on becoming a pro...my pictures just make me happy

Cats - especially my own...Beneigt is curled up next to me right now as I type this...ahhhh...just his presence adds a calmness

Coupons - This week I scored 2 - 24 packs of bottled water to put away for hurricane season for right at $1 for each pack thanks to coupons, a well timed sale, and extra bucks earned.  I don't usually like playing games, but I swear I get a rush when I get something for almost nothing.  I can't wait to see the Sunday papers today :)

Water - I love my pool...yesterday I swam laps, I relaxed on my raft and watched the birds and squirrels jump around in the treetops, I swam underwater and just listened to the quiet...

My Garden - the cucumbers are overtaking the squash, and I'm unsure when to pick the peppers, some pesky critter has decided to taste all the green tomatoes in the pots I replanted...but the smell of tomatoes and basil on my hands after I've been outside fiddling makes it all worthwhile.

While there are other things that make me happy, these things are things I do just for me and don't share with anyone else.  I don't think that's selfish...if Moms don't take time for themselves, we can't be all that we have to be for everyone else.

I don't feel guilty about that at all.

We are all damaged...

I'm a Grey's Anatomy fan.

Somewhere along the line Meredith uttered this phrase, the title of this post, and it has stuck with me.

"We're all damaged, it seems. Some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood, then as grown-ups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately, we all do damage. And then, we set about the business of fixing whatever we can."



I believe, like Meredith that we are what life makes of us, not passively of course...we certainly have choices and those choices lead us to or from certain experiences.

We start off with a certain amount of innate potential and that combined with our environment and experiences ultimately make us who we eventually become.
No sense in whining about it; get up and keep moving. 

Real life gets complicated pretty quickly...

The Head of My Household and I both have a long history of family members with anxiety, depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, etc.  I mentioned his brother in yesterday's post...he has hit rock bottom and is facing divorce, the loss of his home, his children and his job.
Please continue to pray for him.

We also have had our own personal experiences with anxiety and depression. 
My first full-blown panic attack was two years ago.  I was in San Francisco alone on a business trip, and I literally thought I was going to die.  I sat up all night waiting on my heart to explode from beating so fast and so hard.  I debated for several hours whether or not to have the hotel staff call an ambulance...my anxiety had reached such levels that my body was physically fighting back. 

I don't remember when I first began having symptoms of anxiety that was out of control.  Like everything else, the first signs are subtle...not to mention the fact that stress and anxiety are normal parts of life.  I look back now and realize that I even had signs of postpartum depression after my youngest was born in 2004.  I remember sitting at my desk googling, frantically trying to find an answer for what I was feeling.  A year or so later I read Brooke Shields' book about her own journey through PPD and SOBBED.  She was me.

I fought medication for quite a while, feeling as if it was a cop-out, a sign of weakness, a crutch, etc.  Even after the first panic attack, I think it would have been easier to admit that I had a heart problem rather than an anxiety problem.  Isn't that silly??

Once I gave in, it took a few weeks to adjust to the meds and to get the amount just right, etc.  but I can't tell you how much better I finally felt and still feel...the dosage is such a small amount that it doesn't "fix" anything.  I'm still learning each and every day how to handle stress and anxiety, but the meds certainly help me to keep things more level.  That was almost two years ago.

Given our history and family tree it is not surprising that the Head of My Household and I are now neck deep in helping our older girls deal with some of their own emotional issues.

I'd certainly seen the signs of stress and anxiety in both my older daughters for quite some time.  When you're a parent, you try to keep up with how your kids "deal" with life, change, and things that just don't go their way?  When you yourself have dealt with anxiety or stress that is out of control and you have more family members than not dealing with the same issues, you also become much more sensitive to possible signs in the children you gave birth to. 

A year ago we found out that our oldest was harming herself (cutting with razor blades, push pins, etc).  The first time she cut herself was in the 8th grade; she did not harm herself on a "regular" basis by any stretch of the imagination and she was not trying to kill herself, but she was searching for a way to feel better.  She could deal with the physical pain much better than her emotional pain. 

Because of our family histories, the Head of My Household and I knew we had to get her some help.

Our oldest began seeing counselors and a psychiatrist who specialize in adolescents over a year ago.  This summer we have also found an incredible therapist who is working with us on a weekly basis to "hit it hard during the summer" as she puts it. 

My middle child carved the word "HATE" into her arm the day before we left for Destin.  I'm not exaggerating.  A week later in the therapist's office, you could still see the outline of the word in detail...there were places also where she had dug deeper and made even bigger injuries.  My middle child did this with a needle.
She is now also involved in weekly therapy sessions for the summer.

Because they are both underage, I'm required to take part in at least some of the therapy with them.
I'm not complaining.
Both girls have opted so far to have me in the room with them most of the session.
It's like free therapy for me :)
I am also glad that they trust me and see my presence and our relationship as vital to their healing.

Lest you misunderstand, let me reiterate something.
My home is a happy one.

What??

How can it be happy if you have two children who are cutting themselves to deal with emotional issues?
How can it be happy when you just said that you fight anxiety every day of your life?
How can it be happy when you have more than a few family members who have been or are going through these very same issues?

Here's how I understand it.

Even if no one in your immediate family has addiction issues...
Even if you're not being abused...
Even if you live in a middle class, pretty normal little family with  mom and a dad who love you and each other...
Even if your a regular chuchgoing family...
Even if you have nice clothes...
You can still need help dealing with life.
It's not a death sentence.
It's not anything to be embarrassed about.
If you had Diabetes, you'd treat it.
If you have crippling anxiety, you treat it as well.

My children are happy children...they are learning that they are not "crazy" as much of society would have them think.
They are learning that life is tough and sometimes we have to put on our big girl panties and get through it.  More importantly they are learning to accept themselves for who they are...not someone else's idea or an image in a magazine.

My daughters' issues are not the same, so their therapy is separate from one another; however, as their mother, I attend both sessions each week.  These are my babies and I will do everything in my power to help them get better and learn how to go on with their lives and ENJOY life. 
We are fortunate to be able to devote this much time to our daughters' needs this summer.  I will devote the rest of my life if necessary.  It's just what we mothers do.

I must be honest though, therapy is emotionally exhausting, and I need a space to discuss how I'm handling all this.  I'm choosing my blog to do that.
My daughters are not regular readers of my blog, but they do check in every now and then. 
They know that I will be writing about them, and they approve.
I will not, however, discuss anything here about them specifically that would jeopardize their progress so far or their trust in me.
If our experiences can help one person realize that human psychology is just as important as human physiology, then my work here is done. :)

More soon...